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That sounds really stressful and I really hope things work out!

I'm no parent but I've been a teenager...I know that the closest I feel to my parents is either when someone is vulnerable or when we can just relax around each other and have fun. The key to the relaxing times for me was No Expectations, whether that meant not asking me whether I've done my homework for the day yet (that's been an instant derelaxer for me because I know if I say anything less than everything is done then it's an opportunity for a Life Advice moment which really just means I've failed you-my-parent again for the day.) or whether it means talking about everything but the things you want to tell him. It might feel like you're just ignoring the real problems but it's good to remind each other who you are behind the tension. It might also take multiple times for him to trust that the issues of tension aren't going to come up during the truces.

I hope offering advice here isn't too forward...I do it a lot when it maybe isn't the right time yet. I hope when it is the right time, it's the right advice. :)

Oh, hugs! I have not been a parent either but I remember having a really hard time with my parents when I was that age... I wanted to get away too. What helped me was when my mom opened up about her childhood and how the way she was raised affects the way she parented me. Knowing the basics of why she acted the way she did helped us both to give a little more grace to each other and ourselves.

I also had a mentor (not a trained counselor but very talented in that area) who was an adult outside the family. It was really helpful to have someone to talk to who wasn't my parent. I knew "mama t" still expected me to be open and honest with her but it took a lot of pressure off because she wasn't my parent and I didn't have to perform for her. She is very precious to me and we still talk to this day. Now I'm 20 and I love my parents so much I don't even want to think about moving out until I absolutely have to XD

The tweens is a hard stage to get through... there is so much brain development going on, so much growing independence coming along... it's a cool stage of life where you get to find out a lot about who your child really is, but it can be frustrating for everyone. It sounds like you are doing a good job listening to your son. Hopefully the counselor can bring you into the conversation too so you have some tools to help you help each other.

While I have no kids of my own and therefore may not be the most qualified to answer, I can say that in every relationship I've had so far, being open, honest, and trying to understand each other is never a bad idea, and one thing I've found that helps with the understanding part of that is dipping into the psych aspect a bit. If you can understand why someone does what they do, it can help a lot, and that goes both ways - both for you understanding how his brain works and for you giving him insight into yours. My friend likes using the myers briggs personality test, as it can really help you understand how you tick. Do keep in mind, of course, that a personality type is not a box, but a loose circle indicating tendencies, but it may help. Also keep in mind this will (hopefully) blow over in a few years. I had the worst time with my parents from the ages of about 15 to 19, but now I feel incredibly blessed to have them and really miss not living with them. Yes, it took moving out and having space between us for things to finally settle, but I'm back for vacations every year (and brag on them when I get the chance, lol! They put up with a lot of crap from me :))) Every kid is different. You're not a failure at all - you're trying your best, and we're all human, so trying your best is the best you can do. (Especially when it comes to the convoluted cocktail of hormones hitting a kid when they go through puberty - from needing a different sleep cycle to the way their brain starts to look at the world from an egocentric point of view again like a toddler, teens are difficult!)

Thank you guys. I will get that book. He came in today from school and asked if we could talk. I didn't say much but just listened to him. We are going to talk to his therapist Thursday and find out what our next move should be. Something has changed in him. He came in and did his chores without being asked and then we talked so maybe we are gonna start going in the right direction. Just having this community to talk to and listen really helps me as a mom.